IIDD, May 31st

Hi Genralissimo!

It is with much pleasure, not to say sheer delight and much anticipation that we look forward to the oft promised collection of said bicycle from our deck where it has been languishing at great inconvenience, (not to mention the unsightliness of the panorama it presents to occupants and passersby alike), to both The Sisterhood and Maggie for lo these many days!

To the owner of the Island Inn:

This is to advise you that a 2008 blue Rocky Mountain bicycle ("the Bicycle") has gone missing from your premises. The owner of the Bicycle is our client, the Honourable Gen. Chiang Kai Shek III (the "Client").

We believe you have hid the Bicycle, so as to cause much anguish to our Client.

We will not have this Sir. Not one bit.

We ask that you return the Bicycle forthwith, or else face the consequences.*

We will be sending a sheriff to your premises to-morrow to make due enquiries, and perhaps a threat or two.

Yours truly,

Gustavo "Tricky Dick" Chu
Attorney-at-Law

 * Consequences may or may not include any or all of the following: being
 drawn and quartered, water boarding, made to walk the plank, spankings, tar
 & feathering, more spankings.

Dear Señor Gustavo "Tricky Dick" Chu, Attorney-at-Law:

I regret to inform you that on behalf of my client, Patrizio "Il Conductore" Dunn, I have already launched a counter-suit against your client, Gen. Pinochet Immorales, (your client), for trespass on the patio and theft of all the rare and horrendously expensive bourbon at The Island Inn. Given the pending service of papers, I have further advised my client to severe any and all social contacts with your client until this dispute is favourably resolved in my client's favour. Consequently, your client can cry in his weak beer at VRC all by his lonesome

In addition, I am also acting for The Sisterhood, and Maggie The Cat, as they wish to slap, (and I do not use the term metaphorically!), your client with a suit for loss of use of said patio and all the pain and suffering therein. While they expect to gain sufficient recompense to clear their substantial debt load, they have included a fiat which, when imposed by the highest court of the land, will indenture you to their Book Club, to act as scullion and server, in perpetuity, or so long as your client's miserable, crabbed life shall continue, subsisting as he does on starvation rations of e coli tainted baked beans, mouldy bread and heavy metal polluted, tepid water.

I remain, as ever, your Humble and Most Cordial Adversary, Ricardo "The Razor" Toews, LLB, QC and mean contract bridge player, scratch golfer and malt tippler extraordinaire, to boot! (And, once again, I do not use the last term metaphorically! As in, we be goin' to kick your sorry ass in court, General!!!)

Next, this from Milton's lawyers. It seems as if negotiations have deteriorated and brute force will now be used. Little does he know that Pierre The Giant will soon be on site to make mincemeat/cat food out of his assault force. I spit on his Navy SEALs!

Dear Ricardo "The Razor" Toews, LLB, QC,

First of all, we looked up your credentials and are unable to find your name
on any law school registry or lawyer registry or any other kind of registry
(except for the registry of the Matsqui Medium-Security Correctional
Centre)

Second, this is to inform you that we've decided to forgo all legal means of
resolving this rather nasty state of affairs, which has been caused by you,
The Sisterhood and Maggie The Cat. But we blame you mostly.

We've decided to take this matter up with the Dept of Defence. I'm happy to
tell you that they will be sending in unmanned attack drones to the Island
Inn commencing 06:00 (that's 6am for you civilians). There will also be
several state-of-the art military gunships, two Blackhawks, and a team of
Navy SEALs (but not the one that killed Osama Bin Laden as they are still
recuperating), all converging upon your walled-compound at the Island Inn.
Don’t try to leave through the exit because it'll be sealed. SEALed! Get it?

Just a bit of humour there.

So be prepared.

I will be around until 2pm today to accept your surrender papers, after
which time, I must go to the hair dressers to fix and blow dry my hair, and
will not be accepting any visitors or calls.

Yours truly,

Gustavo "Tricky Dick" Chu &
Pablo "The Hand" Wong

Attorneys-at-Law

Dear Messrs Gustavo "Tricky Dick" Chu & Pablo "The Hand" Wong, Attorneys-at-Law:

Upon doing some legal research of my own, I discovered, not surprisingly, that both your law degrees came from the bottom of a box of Cracker Jack. Furthermore, Maggie the Cat has just had a pedicure to sharpen her nails, rather than remove them, and eagerly awaits the arrival of Pierre The Giant, from one of LA's toughest barrios, well-schooled as he is in drive by shootings. muggings and the like, to aid in her defense of The Island Inn Compound. Collectively, we spit on your Navy SEAL thugs. Hardened terrorists are one thing, feral cats and a 7' tall grandson are another! Be forewarned, scoundrels, dastards and lay-abouts that you are and will be always, at least until we slap you in irons and feed you raw barnacles and red tide infected seaweed. You will rue the day you crossed legal swords with the inhabitants of the Island Inn. You will dream of the days when you supped on beans and crusts of stale bread, washed down with tepid water. Your tears will be the only liquid to slake your feverish thirst as you rot in the foul dungeons deep, deep below the parkade at the Island Inn, your chains chafing your wrists, rats gnawing at the open, festering lash marks on your torn back.

As always, I bid you a cordial Good Day. Your Humble Servant, Ricardo "The Razor" Toews, LLB, QC, and remain, as Master of the Bullwhip, Expert at Bamboo Under The Fingernails, ever ready to excruciate!